Destination Malawi

I was hinting around at the possibility of a big decision with the last post.  Well, it's official.  I am moving to Malawi, Africa for a year beginning August 25.  I will be working in a children's hospital for a Christian non-profit called Cure International (cure.org).  I will be taking photos and writing blurbs about the patients that come to the hospital in Malawi.  I will be providing content to inform Cure supporters how they can help sick or disabled kids financially or prayerfully.

I have prayed hard about this decision for some time - it feels right.  I have talked with friends, family and church family.  I have talked to missionaries.  I have emailed Cure folks back and forth with questions and concerns.  I have chatted on Skype with folks trying to reach a decision.  All signs point towards Malawi.  It lines up so well that I like to think God was preparing my heart long before I knew Malawi was a country in Africa.   

I will be working 8-4 in the hospital with a national named Lawrence - who will serve as a translator.  A lot of families and children wont know any english.  If they do speak English - it will be very rough and difficult to understand.  I'm praying that the love that I want to show suffering families will not be affected by the language barrier.  I can't wait to to grow without the distractions that I have here at home.  I can't wait to rely on God FOR everything.   

The logistsics are still being ironed out but Cure is providing housing, training and a monthly stipend.  This is such a blessing - I don't know of anyone that has traveled to Africa without having to raise their own funds.  I can't wait to see the work that God does on my heart while I'm there.

I hope to see friends and family as much as possible until I leave in August.  I m so blessed to be able to do something like this and know that I have so many people supporting me here at home.  If you pray, please remember me. 

My passport doesnt have one single stamp

I got my passport in 2004 - thinking I was going to do an internship in Greece at the Summer Olympics.  The opportunity was presented to the Sport and Entertainment program at Carolina and I signed up.  I did lots of paperwork, applications and even got checked out to pass physical/meducal requirements.  There were rumours that we would be cleaning the venues - janitorial work.  Nothing fun or exciting.  I didn't care - I just wanted to be there.  Then a couple months before we leave, the trip was cancelled.  For everyone.  I was so disappointed. I ended up doing a great internship with Clear Channel Sports and met Andy Roddick, Andre Agassi, Miss America, Kristi Yamaguchi and Brian Boitano.  Not joking.  Brian Boitano is a full-on diva.  The internship evolved into a full-time job and 8 years later - I'm still working around live entertainment.  I still think about the summer olympics and what the trip would have been like - but I know it was for the best.


About a year and half ago, I got the itch to fill out an application for the Peace Corps.  I did everything - medical, dental, essays and several phone interviews.  I was just one vaccine short of being cleared - which is a lot of work and time.  The polio vaccine is not common anymore so my doctor doesn't carry it.  I had to stop by the health department during the week to get it.  That's all I needed to do.  Well, not feeling 100% about going abroad, I never got it.  My medical clearance lapsed after several months and I would have to start over even if I got the polio vaccine today.  I don't regret it.  I didn't feel right in my heart.  I didn't want to go abroad - I just wanted my situation at home to change.  I wanted a relationship - I wanted another job.  

So I sit here without the relationship that I desire but I feel ok with it.  I still haven't bought a house and have been looking since November.  I'm ok with that too.  I don't have the urgent need to change my situation.  But the thought of packing up and doing something else has never left my mind.  It's been back there since 2004 if I really think about it.  I have never taken any risks because my internship led me to the place I am today.  It's been a huge blessing - no frantic job searches, no lay offs and no worries financially.  Especially today, a lot of people would trade places with me in a heartbeat.  I don't have debt other than a student loan payment.

I believe I could stay in my place and possibly work with Live Nation for the rest of my career.  I could possibly be in Columbia for the rest of my life.  Would I accept that if someone could guarantee that?  I don't think so.  I don't think life should be so gauranteed and predictable.  At least, I hope not.  God opens doors and closes doors.  I don't think it's possible to stay here unless I just continue to walk past open doors.  It may be financially comforting but how much am I pressing into God and trusting his provision?

I know God can use me at Live Nation and of course, he can use me in Columbia.  But is that what he wants from me?  To be content in this place?  To never take a risk?  To never take a chance with him leading my way?  I'm praying hard on this right now.  It may not be this year or the next.  Heck, it may even be five years from now.  But at some point I'm jumping from the comfort of this ship.     

Summer Thunder

I sit in total darkness in my home.  2:46am.  I can feel the city is asleep around me.  I close my eyes.  I try to fall asleep.  A few minutes pass and the sound of booming thunder makes my open my eyes wide.  Flashes of lightning precede deep bass rattling thunder that echoes seconds after each strike.  I feel at peace.  The sound of hard, heavy rain follow the rapid lightning strikes.  It sounds like chaos outside.  The thunder sounds to be right outside my door.  I feel safe.


I love moments like these.  Moments when I realize I'm not in control.  Moments when it sounds like the world is falling apart.  and you realize, it's beautiful.  It's rhythmic and perfect.  Massive, powerful and unpredictable.


I curse migraines, especially when I have to sit up in the middle of the night because the pain is so intense that I can't lay down.  But I didn't mind it too much last night.  While everyone was sleeping, I was listening to the storm.  and I was calm.

It's easy to miss treasure when we sit on piles of worldly trash

20 years old.  Biological parents said they didn't want anything to do with him.  His adopted parents said the same.  Brothers and sisters, 20 in number, are spread out in Philadelphia and have started making lives of their own.  Most are doing well, but Jimmy never could find his footing.  This tough, cruel world rolls over people with each turn and spits them out.  Jimmy is a product of being rolled on - but he's still alive.  He has no choice.  He has to keep on.  It doesn't help that he has a learning disability.  He has no money.  He showed up in the Southeast on a Greyhound bus.  A one-way ticket to what should be his own personal hell. 


He got off the bus in Columbia with a backpack.  His stomach rumbled but he had no possibility of stopping the hunger pains.  Not that first night, at least.  If there was ever a person to feel that God had forgotten about him, it would be Jimmy.  He sought shelter in his first night in a strange place.  He found an overpass and settled down, resting his head on his backpack.


The doctor said Jimmy wouldn't make it.  Not past the two hour mark.  Then the 24 hour mark.  Then the doctor extended Jimmy's lifespan to another few days or months.  I don't know what age that he found out that he shouldn't be alive, but he embraced it.  It's his story, he seems proud of it.  


Jimmy is in 5 points.  he's waiting on the street preachers to show up.  He has a Midtown sticker on a King James bible that sits on a bench.  He can't remember if he ate earlier in the day or last night.  When he's really hungry, he searches dumpsters behind restaurants.  He rides a bike from a thrift shop, it's a young boys bike much too small for him.  The front tire is completely bald and one of the pedals is missing.  He wants to get a chain and lock for it.  I don't think you could pay someone to take it.  It's his favorite possession, although I'm not sure he has anything else in his backpack other than a jacket and some smokes.  Although he needs glasses, Jimmy doesn't own a pair....and he's never worn contacts.  




Jimmy is thankful to be alive.  He connects with the few siblings that actually care about him via Facebook.  He claims to have a fiancee, also homeless, who he hasn't seen in two years.  Is this rock bottom or far below our thoughts of it?  No where else to go but drugs or crime.  Not Jimmy.  He is growing a relationship with Jesus.  He's reading through 1 Samuel right now.  He has to hold the bible about 6 inches from his face to read it.  That doesn't deter him.  He loves it.  He can't wait to go home one day and be with Christ.  But for now, Jimmy is helping hand out gospel tracks in 5 points.  He doesn't complain.  He doesn't pity himself.  He still laughs.  He still loves.  He knows he is a treasure to Jesus.  No situation can take that from him.  

I'm too busy for my saviour and creator of the universe, I'll give him a few minutes next week

Satan wins when we're busy.  I put off reading, prayer and ultimately focus.  Since work has gotten busier, I find myself content with not reading daily or often going days without a prayer that lasts more than a minute.  I don't put off work or sleep or TV though.  I just slide time with Jesus out of my life.  It's a serious struggle.  But I can't give in, I have to make time.  I have to stay close to him.  If I don't, I fall apart.  And when I fall apart, I feel farther from him. 

 I've been working on ceasing everything for a few minutes a day...sometimes longer.  Sometimes I play music, sometimes I light a candle.  And when I cease, I try to stop my mind from thinking about EVERYTHING, but HIM.  When I do this, it's awesome and usually a good transition to read or prepare my heart for a podcast sermon or reading.  The hard part is shutting down everything, stopping random thoughts takes patience and prayer.  He deserves my time, I have to stop fighting him for it.

I shot the pilot, now I'm begging you to fly this for me

I've noticed that a lot of my struggles that I face are the result of placing too much importance on myself and my life.  Not just this, but chasing worldly things that I THINK will make me happy.  I think a huge turn off for some people is the lack of self in Christianity.  We want to be in control of our own destiny, we want to be our own God.  I know the purpose of our lives is to reflect God's work.  The most mature Christians are often the best deflectors - they don't take credit for anything - but do so humbly and honestly. 

No matter how many times I hear the gospel, I still continue to think I'm extremely important and my life's purpose is massive and special.  It's a hard thing to put into perspective - especially when I lived for only myself for 29 years.  To think I'm not the center of this big ol' machine called life can be a hard pill to swallow.  On the flip side, I think hell is living for yourself.  I think hell is getting what you want but being separated from God.  My feeble mind knows this and believes it, but I STILL struggle.


I find help in James.  James 4:14-16 
^"yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. ¹⁵ Instead you ought to say, “If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.” ¹⁶ As it is, you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil."

I also find help in 1 John when I don't find comfort in the worldly things that I still desire but ultimately fail me. 1 John 2:15
"Do not love the world or the things in the world. If anyone loves the world, the love of the Father is not in him."


SO I ask myself - what do I want my life to mean?  How do I want to be remembered?  I don't - I Want my life to be a reflection of God's work. 

I'm not waving, I'm drowning

You know I dreamed about you
For 29 years before I saw you
You know I dreamed about you
I missed you for, for 29 years
THE NATIONAL (band) - Slow Show(song)