7 Knots and a Saviour

From the second that I breathed on my own, grace has filled my lungs.

My heart is a million tiny holes.

The soul is a ship turned towards home.

The waters are rough and my body is bruised.

My head aches from the pressure.

The light grows brighter as the night sky darkens.

This journey has lasted a lifetime. 

I won't reach home this spring.

light from other ships twinkles in the distance.

I think I'm alone.  Far from home.

First thoughts...

Culture shock is exactly that - total shock.  The feeling of new information entering the mind for the first time and not having a neat little place for it.  It doesnt fit - it doesn't jive with what you know or had envisioned for a place.  I got my first taste of this phenomenon as I stepped off of a small plane at the Blantyre airport.  The small terminal is old and rust consumes it, the windows are open and its hot.  Wood scaffolding extends upward next to the terminal - it appears to be new construction but the mass of bricks look aged and dirty plastic attached to the brick flaps in the wind.  I take it all in for processing, it doesnt compute.  Im at a loss for words - will the city be in shambles?  Will I be able to exist here?  The passport line is long and filled with ex-pats.  Why are these people here?  Why have we come to such a place?

One week later.....

I've bonded with 15 kids who don't speak english and smile when I enter the children's ward at the CURE hospital.  I'm the "azunga" (sp?) or white person.  Some kids are shy and stay on their bed as I walk around tickling kids and giving out high fives.  Other kids run up to me and greet me with a handshake or hug.  These kids are incredible.  Crippled but happy and just aching to be normal.  Some have been neglected and love every ounce of attention.  All of the children have been brought in by a mother or guardian.  The women laugh as I play with the children.    Every one of the kids that I've met will have a life changing surgery.  I've photographed about 10 surgeries and prayer has been answered there.  I wasn't sure I could stomach seeing a child opened up in an operating room.  But I remind myself that the child's life improves 100% afterwards.  Then, it all comes together and I know exactly why I'm here.  

So many observations outside of the hospital, I dont want to continue this as a normal post - I feel a hyphenated list is more appropriate since these are straight-forward and contain no fiction.  Enjoy.

---Malawi natives are the most polite people that I've ever encountered....smiles, handshakes, greetings, serious interest in my life and my story.....there's a zest here for life here despite conditons

----the poverty is astonishing.  Homeless children, dirty and alone.  Huts that couldn't sustain a strong wind.  Dirty water, dirty hands.  Children raising children.  Men that will work for a couple hours for 100 kwacha - the equivalent of $.50.
----clothing doesnt matter - the streets are packed and everyone blends together.  The driving is ridiculous - sometimes scary.
----all of the missionaries and contract workers like myself feel a bond before we even get to know each other - when it comes down to it, we're all longtime tourists  
----Malawians like to ask your name, country of origin and then the 3rd question is usually "will you be my friend?"  Lots of Malawians will ask for your cell number immediately after meeting you, hoping for a financial connection.  
----Nothing is guaranteed here - including power and water.  Lots of outages.  Time is different here.  Shops/stores close or open at different hours.  When things have a starting time, that doesnt mean much.  It could start much later.
----Wal-Mart is everywhere.  Game is a Wal-Mart owned store here that has an electronics and sporting goods section that would rival most US stores - except the prices have an outrageous markup.  It's ridiculous and sad.  
----I was scared I would be bored here - I haven't had time to blog or watch movies/TV.  This may change as I get into the groove and stop meeting people everyday but for now, it's encouraging.
----I see God's hand in this country and this city.  It's undeniable.  There's a ton that is wrong and broken here, but I see the hope and relief that the gospel brings people.  Ive met people that planned on staying 6 months and have been here for over 2 years.  No plans to leave, just letting God move.  I see street kids that have hope, not because of financial relief - but they have people that genuinely love them here.
----Most vehicles are old and exhaust is heavy.  Also, lots of open fires used for cooking so Blantyre often smells thick with smoke.
----There's a ton of potential here, but not much motivation.  The people are used to living a certain way and a foreigner isn't going to make major change here.
---Beauty is raw and untouched here.  Mountains, plants, animal life.  The city, sunsets, people's expressions and smiles.  I hope to capture some of this beauty - although a camera isnt able to accurately portray this great country.

Leaving on a jet plane...

I want to Love Like Christ

I want to love God selflessly.  I want to love simply because I exist.  I don't want my love to be based on blessings.  I want to love through sickness and despair.  I want to love through life's slumps.  I want to love when it seems things aren't going my way.  Since beginning my walk with Christ, I've experienced extreme blessings ranging in significance.  I really love the small blessings.  The divine meetings with believers or opportunities to be there for people that don't love Jesus.  Small things that seem coincidental and fairly unimportant are the things that speak to me most.  God is capable of moving mountains, which is easier for me to believe than God doing small things.  It seems backwards, but it's really not.  Often times, I think that God can help me out in a big way, but other small life events, I'm on my own.  I love being wrong.  I love seeing my imperfections.  I love mistakes.  I can see my faith maturing once I realize how far I've missed the mark. 

But even the small things help me see that my love is not unconditional.  I thank God more when I can directly see his hand in my life.  I'm thankful for these blessings, but I want to love without needing blessing.  I want to love when I feel truly lost.  I want to love more for what HE's done.  I am fortunate to come from a strong family backgound, with comfortable surroundings.  I didn't always get what I wanted growing up, but I received more than enough.  As an adult, I've never lacked the funds to go on trips or go out with my friends.  I've never truly lacked something to the point of necessity.  Sure, I could make more money and live more luxuriously, but I have been content for all of my life. 

God has really broken down the idea that I always need more.  He has done incredible change to my heart to help me see that I'm filthy rich.  Maybe not by american standards, but worldly standards, I am lucky.  I want this to drive my prayer life and my desire to help others.  I need to really get behind this idea and stop self-serving.  I need to be thankful for every single blessing in my 30 years of existence.  I need to move forward without the expectation that I will be blessed just as much in the future.  I need to feel lucky.  I need to feel fortunate. 

What I want is to love HIM for who he is and for what he has done.  All of the things that I love are icing on the cake.  Great blessings, but not needed to simply love HIM.  The crazy thing that gets me is that he wants us to be happy.  He loves helping us when we really seek him.  He knows my selfish heart and continues to pour out his love despite the fact that he's given us a place in his Kingdom, greater than anything here in my life.  I don't need to know his plan to love him.  I dont need to ask why when I feel pain and suffering.  I can trust him.  HE is just, he is soverign, he loves us beyond our mind's comprehension.  I want to be able to leave it at that.

Destination Malawi

I was hinting around at the possibility of a big decision with the last post.  Well, it's official.  I am moving to Malawi, Africa for a year beginning August 25.  I will be working in a children's hospital for a Christian non-profit called Cure International (cure.org).  I will be taking photos and writing blurbs about the patients that come to the hospital in Malawi.  I will be providing content to inform Cure supporters how they can help sick or disabled kids financially or prayerfully.

I have prayed hard about this decision for some time - it feels right.  I have talked with friends, family and church family.  I have talked to missionaries.  I have emailed Cure folks back and forth with questions and concerns.  I have chatted on Skype with folks trying to reach a decision.  All signs point towards Malawi.  It lines up so well that I like to think God was preparing my heart long before I knew Malawi was a country in Africa.   

I will be working 8-4 in the hospital with a national named Lawrence - who will serve as a translator.  A lot of families and children wont know any english.  If they do speak English - it will be very rough and difficult to understand.  I'm praying that the love that I want to show suffering families will not be affected by the language barrier.  I can't wait to to grow without the distractions that I have here at home.  I can't wait to rely on God FOR everything.   

The logistsics are still being ironed out but Cure is providing housing, training and a monthly stipend.  This is such a blessing - I don't know of anyone that has traveled to Africa without having to raise their own funds.  I can't wait to see the work that God does on my heart while I'm there.

I hope to see friends and family as much as possible until I leave in August.  I m so blessed to be able to do something like this and know that I have so many people supporting me here at home.  If you pray, please remember me. 

My passport doesnt have one single stamp

I got my passport in 2004 - thinking I was going to do an internship in Greece at the Summer Olympics.  The opportunity was presented to the Sport and Entertainment program at Carolina and I signed up.  I did lots of paperwork, applications and even got checked out to pass physical/meducal requirements.  There were rumours that we would be cleaning the venues - janitorial work.  Nothing fun or exciting.  I didn't care - I just wanted to be there.  Then a couple months before we leave, the trip was cancelled.  For everyone.  I was so disappointed. I ended up doing a great internship with Clear Channel Sports and met Andy Roddick, Andre Agassi, Miss America, Kristi Yamaguchi and Brian Boitano.  Not joking.  Brian Boitano is a full-on diva.  The internship evolved into a full-time job and 8 years later - I'm still working around live entertainment.  I still think about the summer olympics and what the trip would have been like - but I know it was for the best.


About a year and half ago, I got the itch to fill out an application for the Peace Corps.  I did everything - medical, dental, essays and several phone interviews.  I was just one vaccine short of being cleared - which is a lot of work and time.  The polio vaccine is not common anymore so my doctor doesn't carry it.  I had to stop by the health department during the week to get it.  That's all I needed to do.  Well, not feeling 100% about going abroad, I never got it.  My medical clearance lapsed after several months and I would have to start over even if I got the polio vaccine today.  I don't regret it.  I didn't feel right in my heart.  I didn't want to go abroad - I just wanted my situation at home to change.  I wanted a relationship - I wanted another job.  

So I sit here without the relationship that I desire but I feel ok with it.  I still haven't bought a house and have been looking since November.  I'm ok with that too.  I don't have the urgent need to change my situation.  But the thought of packing up and doing something else has never left my mind.  It's been back there since 2004 if I really think about it.  I have never taken any risks because my internship led me to the place I am today.  It's been a huge blessing - no frantic job searches, no lay offs and no worries financially.  Especially today, a lot of people would trade places with me in a heartbeat.  I don't have debt other than a student loan payment.

I believe I could stay in my place and possibly work with Live Nation for the rest of my career.  I could possibly be in Columbia for the rest of my life.  Would I accept that if someone could guarantee that?  I don't think so.  I don't think life should be so gauranteed and predictable.  At least, I hope not.  God opens doors and closes doors.  I don't think it's possible to stay here unless I just continue to walk past open doors.  It may be financially comforting but how much am I pressing into God and trusting his provision?

I know God can use me at Live Nation and of course, he can use me in Columbia.  But is that what he wants from me?  To be content in this place?  To never take a risk?  To never take a chance with him leading my way?  I'm praying hard on this right now.  It may not be this year or the next.  Heck, it may even be five years from now.  But at some point I'm jumping from the comfort of this ship.     

Summer Thunder

I sit in total darkness in my home.  2:46am.  I can feel the city is asleep around me.  I close my eyes.  I try to fall asleep.  A few minutes pass and the sound of booming thunder makes my open my eyes wide.  Flashes of lightning precede deep bass rattling thunder that echoes seconds after each strike.  I feel at peace.  The sound of hard, heavy rain follow the rapid lightning strikes.  It sounds like chaos outside.  The thunder sounds to be right outside my door.  I feel safe.


I love moments like these.  Moments when I realize I'm not in control.  Moments when it sounds like the world is falling apart.  and you realize, it's beautiful.  It's rhythmic and perfect.  Massive, powerful and unpredictable.


I curse migraines, especially when I have to sit up in the middle of the night because the pain is so intense that I can't lay down.  But I didn't mind it too much last night.  While everyone was sleeping, I was listening to the storm.  and I was calm.