Dear Father

Your grace is sufficient for me, your power is made perfect in my weakness.  On my knees unable to stand - my plan has fallen apart...again.  I know your truth and know that you're better, but I still hurt.  Grace swallows me up like a whale in a sea of sin.  Have I been saved from something so much worse?  The questions flood my mind, I need faith.  I know that you are good to those that seek you and have hope in you.  This ending will birth yet another beginning.  I must walk humbly.  I must love kindness.  I must forgive.  I must count everything as loss.

when.things.fall.apart

This was supposed to be a week with lots of downtime.  It was an off week for tuesday night young adult bible study.  It was also an off week for friday night youth group that I help lead.  The only nights that I had plans was monday (malawian monday dinner) and thursday - our weekly McGrath bible study and dinner.  On monday, my week took a very different turn.

I was approached by the medical director and one of the orthopaedic surgeons at CURE, Dave.  He told me that he had a special request.  CURE also serves adult patients from Malawi, Mozambique, Zimbabwe with ortho needs.  An older man had traveled from Zimbabwe to see Dave for a total hip replacement.  He was admitted to CURE and was being prepped for the procedure on monday morning.  He had a heart attack on sunday night at CURE and was rushed to another hospital in the area, where he passed away.  Incredibly unfortunate and sad, but there's more.  He wasn't traveling alone.  He brought along his adopted son, Learnmore, a 14 year old boy.  CURE was in the middle of figuring out how to get Learnmore back to Zimbabwe and that's where I come into play.

Dave asks me if I mind if Learnmore stays at the guesthouse.  Before I even meet the kid, I agree and tell him that I will look after him.  Since the guesthouse is right across the parking lot from the hospital, Dave feels that it's the best idea.  Then Learnmore walks up to Dave and I at the main entrance to the hospital.  We do introductions and I grab his bag.  I have no idea how long he will be with me.  I have no idea if he's upset, afraid, depressed, confused.  We walk to his guardian's car and grab the valuables in sight.  Then I show him his room at the guest house. 

He seems ok.  He tells me that he's ok.  I'm not sure if he's processing the emotions or internalizing them.  I don't know how close he actually was to the deceased, John.  However, I'm fairly certain that they had a nice relationship, if he chose Learnmore to travel to Malawi with him for his procedure.  He is on holiday from school, so he's not missing anything at home.  I make tea for Learnmore and we chat.  The work waiting on me at the hospital takes a different perspective.  It's a situation that would seem bizarre at home.  Taking care of a 14 year old is a situation that I would probably run from - most likely.  But here, in Malawi, it almost seems normal.  I also understand my role and responsibility with Learnmore.  It's not in my job description, like lots of things I do here, but it's part of why I'm here.  I'm here to serve and life is much, much bigger than CURE.  

Fast forward a few hours and it's malawian monday at the house.  Lawrence comes over along with Peter (UK med student), Mwara (malawian doctor) and Veith (gap year German volunteer).  We prepare a traditional malawian meal - nsima with pumpkin leaves.  Peter also adds to the menu with a bag of grasshoppers from the market.  We heat them and salt them to taste.  We sit down and enjoy a meal together along with Learnmore.  

I take Learnmore to the McGraths on thursday for bible study and dinner.  The rest of the week, we sit at the guesthouse.  He plays on the computer and rides my bike.  He acts like a typical 14 year old.  During the workday, he sits in my office or goes to the cafe to watch soccer.  He says that he's not bored, I don't know if he's just being nice or not.  He's well behaved and grateful.  

On friday, Shamira (private patient administrator) at CURE tells me that the body is ready for viewing at 10am and a cremation service will take place at 2pm.  I was planning on shooting 2 surgeries Friday morning.  I scratch my entire to-do list.  Lawrence agrees to work hard to try to get as much as possible done.  I know I need to be with Learnmore.  The viewing wasn't too emotional - we walked around the body lying on a table in the center of the room.  Learnmore is emotionless.  I suggest that he spends a couple minutes alone in the room with John's body.  He does.  We leave and Learnmore puts his head in his hands.  I think he's breaking, but it's not the case.  He looks up and he's fine.  We walk back to the hospital.

At 1pm, we jump in the back of an ambulance to head to the cremation at a hindu temple with a few other CURE staff.  John wasn't hindu, the temple is the only place close to the hospital that handles cremation services.  We arrive a few minutes later and I observe the pile of wood sitting under a large metal shelter.  John's body is completely wrapped in a white sheet lying on a back board next to the wood.  The mortuary assistant that transported the body asks Learnmore if he knows what is about to take place.  He is briefed on the planned ceremony.  The body will be placed on the wood and then there will be a few words.  After a short prayer, Learnmore will be asked to light the fire.  The body and the wood will burn down before a few more remarks and then we depart.  Not a long service, but a highly intense one.

Stuart, CURE director, opens with a few words.  He then prays and Learnmore is asked if he's ready. The boy is handed a large burning stick.  He walks around the body in the pile of wood and lights different logs ablaze.  I hug him as he finished and we stand back from the heat and watch the fire.  The thoughts running through my head are BIG, massive questions.  This boy shouldn't be here on his own, putting fire to his adopted father.  He shouldn't be in a strange country with complete strangers trying to comfort him.  Or should he?  What if he is in the best place for what seems to be a worst case scenario? My thoughts are scattered.  I feel myself tearing up.  I have to reset - Learnmore is not emotional, I surely can't be in front of him.  I hold back the tears but the questions flood my head.

I realize that as a westerner, I perceive everything including death differently.  Death is still tough here, but people continue on with their lives.  We analyze and overanalyze the details of death.  For an african, death is natural and matter of fact.  Everyone goes and there are no mistakes in death.  They accept it and continue moving.  There is a grief period but it looks different.  It feels different.  Not saying that either perspective is right or wrong, but it's very different.

Sorry for the lengthy post, but my heart is heavy and writing helps.  Learnmore left with a couple missionaries in the area that were headed back to Zim this morning.  I pray for safety and comfort when he returns home.  I met him less than a week ago but my experiences with him will always be with me.  All we can do is keep fighting the good fight and trust God in all situations.  God works in ways that we don't understand.

photos from this year...

tears in the dirt

It hit me.  More powerful than anything I've felt here.  It rattled me.  It almost took me down.  I paced around for a minute trying to be strong.  I knew what I had to do.  I had to pick Lawrence up, hug him and walk back outside to the gathered villagers.

The site is Ovaha's Hut, the home village of my translator/partner at CURE, Lawrence.  A group of 6 traveled there during a Malawi public holiday on March 4.  It was my 3rd time visiting the village.   We encouraged the elders, played with the kids and gave away donated clothing and essentials.  We spent time talking with a group of about 50 gathered in a small clearing in front of Lawrence's mother's house.  The elders sitting on mats, the children nestled together sitting on the grass.  Someone brought chairs for our small group, but I always refuse to be the only one sitting in a proper chair.  I made my way to a group of kids and made friends quickly.  Lawrence had asked if I would say a few words so I thanked everyone for gathering, and for making us feel welcome.  I prayed over the villagers and my friend Jonathan (also part of our group) translated.

When it was time to distribute washing soap, salt, bath soap and clothes....I mingled into the crowd.  I was going to let Lawrence distribute since it's his project.  I want the donations to come from him, he is the reason that we're there.  So I took a seat and watched as the elders smiled big as Lawrence placed items in their rough, wrinkled hands.  We took lots of clothing for the kids so the excitement and chatter peaked when Lawrence unpacked a box full of small shirts and trousers.  The kids couldn't have been more excited.  The shirts were going fast when I realized that we were going to run out.  We never know how many children will show up on our visits.  I had a plan of telling the children that got left out that we would get them something during our next visit in April.  The children weren't too disappointed when they heard that from Lawrence.  8 children had been left out.  No big deal.  At least I thought.

I was about to start snapping photos of the children in their new clothing when I saw Lawrence walking away in tears.  He was headed towards a neighbor's house.  I quickly followed him.  Once inside, he crashed to the dirt floor.  In a living room only containing a coffee table that was stood upright to make room for guests and some pots, no furniture.  The room was no bigger than a pantry or laundry room and was HOT and humid.  It was there that I saw my brother, friend and partner break down.  He was sobbing and breathing heavily.  It never crossed my mind to ask him what happened.  I could feel his emotion, I thought I knew the cause.  It was the 8 kids that had been left out.  It was the feeling of hopelessness.  It was the feeling of trying to help knowing it's not enough.  It's the feeling of not being able to stop the pain.

When he finally calmed down, he said "God gave me a huge task."  The only words uttered in that house.  I didn't agree with him or respond.  I just hugged him.  It's the moment when words will mean nothing and you just respond the only way you know how, with love.  After a couple minutes, he gathered his composure and we exited the house to return to the group.  The day ended with laughter, hugs and lots of photos.

Looking back on that day a couple weeks ago, I still think about his tears.  I work with Lawrence everyday and hang out with him outside of the hospital.  I treat him just like my friends at home.  I forget that he is struggling every single week.  I forget that his straw roof leaks.  I forget that he can't go out to eat whenever he wishes.  I forget that he has to walk 45 minutes to the hospital everyday.  I forget that he's trying to help a village when he barely has enough for himself.  I forget that he suffers and deals with it better than I deal with my own crap.  It's moments at the village that I see what a hard life in Malawi does to a person.

It puts everything in perspective.  I'm thankful for feeling greedy and spoiled.  I'm thankful that I feel shame for my petty worries.  Maybe I'll toughen up and become a stronger person.  Maybe I'll find more important things to tackle.  Maybe I'll find others that need a hug.  Maybe I'll be ready when real struggles hit.

31

Thankful.  Blessed.  Encouraged.  Amazed.  Humbled.  Grateful.  

31 years.  It doesn't feel real.  Turning 30 was weird last year.  This is much easier to wrap my head around.  But maybe that's God shaping my heart and desires.  I no longer feel anxious about marriage, a house, a career and a family.  I still want those things.  But in different time.  I don't care about doing things the way that I've always felt was normal.  I've accepted that my path is different.  I've accepted the fact that I'm not conventional.  Instead of longing to be on the wide, well-marked path up the mountain with lots of people...I've taken a turn somewhere.  It's a bit scarier but the unknown is beautiful.  The view from a place that you never thought you would be is amazing.  Partly because it's something you thought you would never see.  Partly because of the effort and divine planning of a faithful God.  He loves us so much that he wants us to see and be a part of his kingdom.  He wants us to enjoy his creation.  He wants us to rely on HIM once he convinces us to take the turn on the mountain.

I thought 30 was going to be my favorite birthday.  It was my first time that I looked back on the year and had to hold back tears talking about it.  I gave up alcohol.  I gave up loads of self-pity.  I gave up looking for every answer.  I gave up lots and gained more.  Now, this birthday feels more special.  This last year has been so great and surprising.  Why did I think a journey believing in Christ would be boring and uneventful?  Why did I think that nothing would change with HIM?  

Lots of people come to CURE to volunteer, study and work.  Even though it's a Christian hospital, everyone is welcome.  So I've gotten to know lots of non-believers in the first 6 months.  One of the things that I hear is that lots of staff at CURE, both malawian and ex-pats are hypocrites.  Non-believers are quick to point out flaws, lies and attitudes that don't reflect a Jesus-follower.  I would agree - there are lots of problems.  And I would go so far as to say that some people may not get the gospel even though they claim to be living it.  Honestly, at times, I think I don't get it before God pulls me back.  However, I love the opportunity to make a simple point.  Christians are not perfect.  Mistakes are made.  Feelings are hurt.  Sin overcomes everyone.  But we don't have to wallow in guilt and shame.  Repentance is the answer.  Redeemed by Christ.  Our hearts can't condemn us, Jesus died to take that guilt away.  

The difference between a Christian and non-believer isn't morality, generosity, sincerity or willingness. The difference is Jesus.  Our hearts are tainted, our lives are still messy.  But we look to a perfect God, we stand up because he vouches for us.  

I pray that non-believers aren't turned off by the morning devotionals at the hospital.  I pray that the non-believers aren't turned off by the weekly bible studies.  I pray that the non-believers aren't turned off by a sin issue in a Christian.  I pray that hearts are opened.  I pray that everyone sees the love, hope and happiness given to us all.  I pray that people don't feel threatened or turned off by someone talking about answered prayer.  I pray that people aren't turned off by false prophets and teachers.  I pray that people aren't turned off by judgmental hypocrites.  I pray that people see through the religious cluster that we've created in order to see HIM.  I pray that people are humbled.  I pray that people are loved.  I pray that people love others despite different opinions.  My prayer is big but our God is bigger.

February is hot

Almost to the halfway point, it's hot and rainy here in Blantyre.  I don't know where the first 6 months have gone.  I feel like I just arrived here and then I feel like I've been here for years.  It depends on the day.  Overall, things are absolutely wonderful.  I still love this place and the people.  I love the children.  I love the community.  I love exploring new places and traveling in Malawi.  There are things that I miss - mostly people.  I've changed so much, it's scary.  I think about what another 6 months will do to me.  I don't think I could plug back in at home right now.  It's a scary thought but it's encouraging that I'm not completely homesick and ready to leave.  I've started thinking about august and I've got some ideas but it's too early to really throw them out there.  

I spoke to youth group on friday and it went well.  I don't know why I get so nervous when speaking to groups.  It always turns out ok and it boosts my confidence.  But the anxiety before talking is intense and I dream about it.  I'm ridiculous.  I talked about being reckless and non responsive to the gospel for 28 years of my life.  I talked about heart change, unconditional love/grace and my hope resting in Jesus.    

The village project with Lawrence is moving along.  We are going back on February 16 with a couple boxes of clothes, school supplies, sugar, salt, soap and washing powder.  The support is overwhelming and Lawrence is ecstatic on a daily basis.  I have the option of driving for the first time in Malawi - I'm not afraid but I would rather someone else drive.  

Still living in the guest house at the hospital.  I kinda had the idea of finding another house after 6 months but it's so convenient.  Currently living with a physio therapist from Australia, german gap year volunteer, british med student and two nurses from Denmark.  It's a bit crowded but it's fun getting to know people with a completely different background and story.  

I haven't been really sick since December.  Lots of folks are sick right now.  I am back on anti-malarials and being really careful outside at night.  From the friends that have gotten malaria recently, it looks and sounds awful.  

I still dont know the outcome of the super bowl and it's monday after the game.  There's a super bowl party this weekend and I'm waiting to watch it.  It's amazing how out of the loop you can be here.  No one even mentioned the super bowl all day on sunday.  Guys are busy watching the African Cup soccer right now.  If it isn't rugby or soccer, then it doesn't matter here.

I've started running again.  I don't like spending more than 7 minutes on a treadmill.  But I dont have much of an option since running outside is uncomfortable for me here.  There is an outdoor track at the gym, but there are massive ruts that you have to navigate thanks to recent rains.  

I wish I had the desire to write more.  But writing every day at the hospital sucks the motivation from me.  I have photographs.  Tons of photographs.  I think that's the way that I want to remember this year.  Through photos.  

I love you all.  Thanks for reading.  God is good. 

Phillipians 3:8

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.

Best of 2012

It's tough being here in Malawi, where it's tough to stream things online.  I give up 78% of the time when I'm trying to watch a video or listen to a song on youtube.  But I have my iPod and have bought a few digital albums, so here's what I listened to to most over the last year.  The thing that I miss most about the states - live shows.  Without a doubt, I miss shows so much it hurts when I see touring schedules for some of my favorite bands that are headed right through SC or NC.

20) Godspeed You! Black Emperor  "Allelujah! Don't Bend! Ascend"…it’s GY!BE, 29 minute songs that make me want to cry, hug someone, go to sleep and burst with happiness all in the same track.  Another landscape soundtrack record, good for riding in a bus with people that don't speak english.

19) Pinback "Information Retrieved"…another solid Pinback album, start to finish.  Melodic, smooth flowing and a voice that fits perfectly with the niche sound that is Pinback.

18) Right Away Great Captain "Church of the Good Thief"…Andy Hull, everyone knows how I feel about all things Manchester, although I haven’t gotten into Bad Book II.  Soon.  I’m in Africa, things take time.

17) Hot Water Music "Exister"…Doing it again.  Thank God for bands that stay true to their sound.  So thankful these guys are back.

16) Circa Survive "Violent Waves"….I felt this album flew under the radar and I don’t know why.  It’s possibly my 2^nd favorite Circa record, behind Juturna.

15) Benjamin Gibbard "Former Lives"…love Death Cab, love Ben Gibbard, love everything he puts out.

14) KB "Weight and Glory"…Christian rap.  Sound like a bad idea?  For this guy, it’s not.  It’s usually a gym record but it’s been on regular rotation.

13) The Shins "Port of Morrow"….slow, simple, melodic.  The Shins remind me of watching a movie from 40's, when things were clean and innocent or at least in the cinema.  The harmonies are sincere and this album has lots of staying power. 

12) Deftones "Koi No Yokan"...so sick and I've tried to delete that phrase from my vocab.  It’s like they don’t even belong in a scene.  They just stay outside of the current trendy crap and put out gems every couple of years.

11) Passion Pit "Gossamer"...The 1^st Passion Pit record that I’ve liked.  It feels different to me.

10) P.O.S  "We Don't Even Live Here"...Love this guy and his passion.  Feel bad for his bad kidney and the cancellation of the tour to support this record.  Doomtree is solid from top to bottom.   

9) Cloud Nothings  "Attack on Memory"….fuzzy, short and loud.  Perfect for the side of me still in love with 1994.

8) The XX "Coexist"...Love The XX.  Like, a lot.  Doesn’t top the previous album but still played at least once every couple of days since it came out.  "Fiction" may be my favorite song of the year.

7) The Gaslight Anthem "Handwritten"...Brian Fallon is hands down my favorite songwriter, this isn’t my 

favorite from them but it’s still awesome.  I like the earlier albums more and more.  But the big polished sounds suits them and I would like nothing more than this band blowing up.

6) Japandroids "Celebration Rock" – Party record of the year.  Blast this for a good time.  No need to think about it, just turn it up.

5) mewithoutYou "Ten Stories"...I love MWY and the stories played out in each sing.  Like the return to some strained vocals and a nice contrast with pretty songs as well.   

4) Every Time I Die "Ex-Lives"... ETID can do no wrong in my book.  Love the vocals, love the thick nasty bass sounds on this record.  The lyrics are always unique and crazy to be set against musical chaos.

3) The Forecast "Everybody Left"...The Forecast have been a current favorite band for the last two albums, this took them to another level in my book.   

2) Pentimento "S/T"...The record played most at the hospital during work – it’s honest and straight up rock

1) Sigur Ros "Valtari"...Sigur Ros is one of my all-time favorite bands.  I have a lot of bus rides where I put in ear buds and watch the sunset or watch as we buzz by people in the street.  This is my default record for such rides.

Need to listen more – but I like what I’ve heard

Converge "all we love, we leave behind"

Macklemore & Ryan Lewis "The Heist"

From Indian Lakes "Able Bodies" - may end up LOVING this album

Lecrae "Gravity" never been a huge fan, so this could go either way

Alt-J "An Awesome Wave"

Grizzly Bear "Shields"

Stick to your guns "diamond"

Bad Books II

Make Do And Mend "Everything You Ever Loved"

Bloc Party "Four"