If I'm so small I can barely be seen, how can this great love be inside of me?

1 Peter 1:8-9 "Though you have not seen him, you love him.  Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls."

This verse was stuck in my head yesterday as I attended baptism class in prep for Easter.  I may have said "inexpressible" 5 or 9 times during the course of a 10 minute interview.  It was extremely awkward but it's true.  We can't express the love and joy that we feel on either end of our relationship with God.  It's a challenge to put into words without cheapening how it really feels.  But the Holy Spirit helped me through the interview and I'm ready for the water now.  I absolutely love how the Spirit continues to push me out of my comfort zone and it never ceases to be rewarding.  

This is the sound of settling

Finding your stride is the first thing you hope to do when you begin running.  For me, it depends if I'm running a mile, 5k or half marathon.  Race length dictates pace.  I started much slower when I set out on the 24 hour race, obviously.  It's almost an internal connection when I hit the right pace.  It feels right.  And I don't feel it instantly but I gradually "settle in" after a couple miles.  For shorter races, I don't really get the chance to feel that settling or it is very short lived.  Maybe this is why I gravitate towards distance races, I like the feeling of settling.  It is also the miles after I "settle in" that are the most comfortable and sometimes forgettable.  I often zone out and focus on everything but running.

This is also a parallel that I've noticed in my personal life.  I have a feeling of finally settling in and starting to be comfortable.  I'll be honest, I know I'm weird.  At times, awkward and uneasy.  But, doing so many things outside of work, I am finding peace and comfort.  My work schedule ruled my life for the last few years.  If I was stressed at work, I was stressed at home.  If my attitude was piss at work, I felt like piss at home. 

This is no longer the case.  I don't live and die with my work.  It doesn't shape me outside of the office.  Yes, I still think about what I need to do in the shower and I still check emails at 11pm on the weekends.  But I don't let the work dictate how I feel during my own time.  I find my joy in the things I do outside of the job.  For the longest time, I desired a feeling of peace at work.  It wasn't a reasonable expectation.  I work in an industry that is completely nuts and it takes a certain type of person to deal with the crazy challenges that are constantly coming and going.  Maybe I've become more nutty which makes more capable of being immune to the chaos that is my job.

I have settled in and maybe my focus has shifted.  It's not that I have stopped caring.  It's that I'm looking around at the other things in my life that aren't work-related.  My perspective has changed and I'm very much thankful for my job.  But it's fully living life and not going through the motions that is really easy to do.  I am thankful every single day, even the long, hard Mondays.  I don't dread the work week.  We are supposed to work.  It is written in scripture that we should work.  However, it doesn't take the focus on what is really important.  Our heart.