I want to love God selflessly. I want to love simply because I exist. I don't want my love to be based on blessings. I want to love through sickness and despair. I want to love through life's slumps. I want to love when it seems things aren't going my way. Since beginning my walk with Christ, I've experienced extreme blessings ranging in significance. I really love the small blessings. The divine meetings with believers or opportunities to be there for people that don't love Jesus. Small things that seem coincidental and fairly unimportant are the things that speak to me most. God is capable of moving mountains, which is easier for me to believe than God doing small things. It seems backwards, but it's really not. Often times, I think that God can help me out in a big way, but other small life events, I'm on my own. I love being wrong. I love seeing my imperfections. I love mistakes. I can see my faith maturing once I realize how far I've missed the mark.
But even the small things help me see that my love is not unconditional. I thank God more when I can directly see his hand in my life. I'm thankful for these blessings, but I want to love without needing blessing. I want to love when I feel truly lost. I want to love more for what HE's done. I am fortunate to come from a strong family backgound, with comfortable surroundings. I didn't always get what I wanted growing up, but I received more than enough. As an adult, I've never lacked the funds to go on trips or go out with my friends. I've never truly lacked something to the point of necessity. Sure, I could make more money and live more luxuriously, but I have been content for all of my life.
God has really broken down the idea that I always need more. He has done incredible change to my heart to help me see that I'm filthy rich. Maybe not by american standards, but worldly standards, I am lucky. I want this to drive my prayer life and my desire to help others. I need to really get behind this idea and stop self-serving. I need to be thankful for every single blessing in my 30 years of existence. I need to move forward without the expectation that I will be blessed just as much in the future. I need to feel lucky. I need to feel fortunate.
What I want is to love HIM for who he is and for what he has done. All of the things that I love are icing on the cake. Great blessings, but not needed to simply love HIM. The crazy thing that gets me is that he wants us to be happy. He loves helping us when we really seek him. He knows my selfish heart and continues to pour out his love despite the fact that he's given us a place in his Kingdom, greater than anything here in my life. I don't need to know his plan to love him. I dont need to ask why when I feel pain and suffering. I can trust him. HE is just, he is soverign, he loves us beyond our mind's comprehension. I want to be able to leave it at that.
Friday, June 29, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Destination Malawi
I was hinting around at the possibility of a big decision with the last post. Well, it's official. I am moving to Malawi, Africa for a year beginning August 25. I will be working in a children's hospital for a Christian non-profit called Cure International (cure.org). I will be taking photos and writing blurbs about the patients that come to the hospital in Malawi. I will be providing content to inform Cure supporters how they can help sick or disabled kids financially or prayerfully.
I have prayed hard about this decision for some time - it feels right. I have talked with friends, family and church family. I have talked to missionaries. I have emailed Cure folks back and forth with questions and concerns. I have chatted on Skype with folks trying to reach a decision. All signs point towards Malawi. It lines up so well that I like to think God was preparing my heart long before I knew Malawi was a country in Africa.
I will be working 8-4 in the hospital with a national named Lawrence - who will serve as a translator. A lot of families and children wont know any english. If they do speak English - it will be very rough and difficult to understand. I'm praying that the love that I want to show suffering families will not be affected by the language barrier. I can't wait to to grow without the distractions that I have here at home. I can't wait to rely on God FOR everything.
The logistsics are still being ironed out but Cure is providing housing, training and a monthly stipend. This is such a blessing - I don't know of anyone that has traveled to Africa without having to raise their own funds. I can't wait to see the work that God does on my heart while I'm there.
I hope to see friends and family as much as possible until I leave in August. I m so blessed to be able to do something like this and know that I have so many people supporting me here at home. If you pray, please remember me.
I have prayed hard about this decision for some time - it feels right. I have talked with friends, family and church family. I have talked to missionaries. I have emailed Cure folks back and forth with questions and concerns. I have chatted on Skype with folks trying to reach a decision. All signs point towards Malawi. It lines up so well that I like to think God was preparing my heart long before I knew Malawi was a country in Africa.
I will be working 8-4 in the hospital with a national named Lawrence - who will serve as a translator. A lot of families and children wont know any english. If they do speak English - it will be very rough and difficult to understand. I'm praying that the love that I want to show suffering families will not be affected by the language barrier. I can't wait to to grow without the distractions that I have here at home. I can't wait to rely on God FOR everything.
The logistsics are still being ironed out but Cure is providing housing, training and a monthly stipend. This is such a blessing - I don't know of anyone that has traveled to Africa without having to raise their own funds. I can't wait to see the work that God does on my heart while I'm there.
I hope to see friends and family as much as possible until I leave in August. I m so blessed to be able to do something like this and know that I have so many people supporting me here at home. If you pray, please remember me.
Friday, June 8, 2012
My passport doesnt have one single stamp
I got my passport in 2004 - thinking I was going to do an internship in Greece at the Summer Olympics. The opportunity was presented to the Sport and Entertainment program at Carolina and I signed up. I did lots of paperwork, applications and even got checked out to pass physical/meducal requirements. There were rumours that we would be cleaning the venues - janitorial work. Nothing fun or exciting. I didn't care - I just wanted to be there. Then a couple months before we leave, the trip was cancelled. For everyone. I was so disappointed. I ended up doing a great internship with Clear Channel Sports and met Andy Roddick, Andre Agassi, Miss America, Kristi Yamaguchi and Brian Boitano. Not joking. Brian Boitano is a full-on diva. The internship evolved into a full-time job and 8 years later - I'm still working around live entertainment. I still think about the summer olympics and what the trip would have been like - but I know it was for the best.
About a year and half ago, I got the itch to fill out an application for the Peace Corps. I did everything - medical, dental, essays and several phone interviews. I was just one vaccine short of being cleared - which is a lot of work and time. The polio vaccine is not common anymore so my doctor doesn't carry it. I had to stop by the health department during the week to get it. That's all I needed to do. Well, not feeling 100% about going abroad, I never got it. My medical clearance lapsed after several months and I would have to start over even if I got the polio vaccine today. I don't regret it. I didn't feel right in my heart. I didn't want to go abroad - I just wanted my situation at home to change. I wanted a relationship - I wanted another job.
So I sit here without the relationship that I desire but I feel ok with it. I still haven't bought a house and have been looking since November. I'm ok with that too. I don't have the urgent need to change my situation. But the thought of packing up and doing something else has never left my mind. It's been back there since 2004 if I really think about it. I have never taken any risks because my internship led me to the place I am today. It's been a huge blessing - no frantic job searches, no lay offs and no worries financially. Especially today, a lot of people would trade places with me in a heartbeat. I don't have debt other than a student loan payment.
I believe I could stay in my place and possibly work with Live Nation for the rest of my career. I could possibly be in Columbia for the rest of my life. Would I accept that if someone could guarantee that? I don't think so. I don't think life should be so gauranteed and predictable. At least, I hope not. God opens doors and closes doors. I don't think it's possible to stay here unless I just continue to walk past open doors. It may be financially comforting but how much am I pressing into God and trusting his provision?
I know God can use me at Live Nation and of course, he can use me in Columbia. But is that what he wants from me? To be content in this place? To never take a risk? To never take a chance with him leading my way? I'm praying hard on this right now. It may not be this year or the next. Heck, it may even be five years from now. But at some point I'm jumping from the comfort of this ship.
About a year and half ago, I got the itch to fill out an application for the Peace Corps. I did everything - medical, dental, essays and several phone interviews. I was just one vaccine short of being cleared - which is a lot of work and time. The polio vaccine is not common anymore so my doctor doesn't carry it. I had to stop by the health department during the week to get it. That's all I needed to do. Well, not feeling 100% about going abroad, I never got it. My medical clearance lapsed after several months and I would have to start over even if I got the polio vaccine today. I don't regret it. I didn't feel right in my heart. I didn't want to go abroad - I just wanted my situation at home to change. I wanted a relationship - I wanted another job.
So I sit here without the relationship that I desire but I feel ok with it. I still haven't bought a house and have been looking since November. I'm ok with that too. I don't have the urgent need to change my situation. But the thought of packing up and doing something else has never left my mind. It's been back there since 2004 if I really think about it. I have never taken any risks because my internship led me to the place I am today. It's been a huge blessing - no frantic job searches, no lay offs and no worries financially. Especially today, a lot of people would trade places with me in a heartbeat. I don't have debt other than a student loan payment.
I believe I could stay in my place and possibly work with Live Nation for the rest of my career. I could possibly be in Columbia for the rest of my life. Would I accept that if someone could guarantee that? I don't think so. I don't think life should be so gauranteed and predictable. At least, I hope not. God opens doors and closes doors. I don't think it's possible to stay here unless I just continue to walk past open doors. It may be financially comforting but how much am I pressing into God and trusting his provision?
I know God can use me at Live Nation and of course, he can use me in Columbia. But is that what he wants from me? To be content in this place? To never take a risk? To never take a chance with him leading my way? I'm praying hard on this right now. It may not be this year or the next. Heck, it may even be five years from now. But at some point I'm jumping from the comfort of this ship.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Summer Thunder
I sit in total darkness in my home. 2:46am. I can feel the city is asleep around me. I close my eyes. I try to fall asleep. A few minutes pass and the sound of booming thunder makes my open my eyes wide. Flashes of lightning precede deep bass rattling thunder that echoes seconds after each strike. I feel at peace. The sound of hard, heavy rain follow the rapid lightning strikes. It sounds like chaos outside. The thunder sounds to be right outside my door. I feel safe.
I love moments like these. Moments when I realize I'm not in control. Moments when it sounds like the world is falling apart. and you realize, it's beautiful. It's rhythmic and perfect. Massive, powerful and unpredictable.
I curse migraines, especially when I have to sit up in the middle of the night because the pain is so intense that I can't lay down. But I didn't mind it too much last night. While everyone was sleeping, I was listening to the storm. and I was calm.
I love moments like these. Moments when I realize I'm not in control. Moments when it sounds like the world is falling apart. and you realize, it's beautiful. It's rhythmic and perfect. Massive, powerful and unpredictable.
I curse migraines, especially when I have to sit up in the middle of the night because the pain is so intense that I can't lay down. But I didn't mind it too much last night. While everyone was sleeping, I was listening to the storm. and I was calm.
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