31

Thankful.  Blessed.  Encouraged.  Amazed.  Humbled.  Grateful.  

31 years.  It doesn't feel real.  Turning 30 was weird last year.  This is much easier to wrap my head around.  But maybe that's God shaping my heart and desires.  I no longer feel anxious about marriage, a house, a career and a family.  I still want those things.  But in different time.  I don't care about doing things the way that I've always felt was normal.  I've accepted that my path is different.  I've accepted the fact that I'm not conventional.  Instead of longing to be on the wide, well-marked path up the mountain with lots of people...I've taken a turn somewhere.  It's a bit scarier but the unknown is beautiful.  The view from a place that you never thought you would be is amazing.  Partly because it's something you thought you would never see.  Partly because of the effort and divine planning of a faithful God.  He loves us so much that he wants us to see and be a part of his kingdom.  He wants us to enjoy his creation.  He wants us to rely on HIM once he convinces us to take the turn on the mountain.

I thought 30 was going to be my favorite birthday.  It was my first time that I looked back on the year and had to hold back tears talking about it.  I gave up alcohol.  I gave up loads of self-pity.  I gave up looking for every answer.  I gave up lots and gained more.  Now, this birthday feels more special.  This last year has been so great and surprising.  Why did I think a journey believing in Christ would be boring and uneventful?  Why did I think that nothing would change with HIM?  

Lots of people come to CURE to volunteer, study and work.  Even though it's a Christian hospital, everyone is welcome.  So I've gotten to know lots of non-believers in the first 6 months.  One of the things that I hear is that lots of staff at CURE, both malawian and ex-pats are hypocrites.  Non-believers are quick to point out flaws, lies and attitudes that don't reflect a Jesus-follower.  I would agree - there are lots of problems.  And I would go so far as to say that some people may not get the gospel even though they claim to be living it.  Honestly, at times, I think I don't get it before God pulls me back.  However, I love the opportunity to make a simple point.  Christians are not perfect.  Mistakes are made.  Feelings are hurt.  Sin overcomes everyone.  But we don't have to wallow in guilt and shame.  Repentance is the answer.  Redeemed by Christ.  Our hearts can't condemn us, Jesus died to take that guilt away.  

The difference between a Christian and non-believer isn't morality, generosity, sincerity or willingness. The difference is Jesus.  Our hearts are tainted, our lives are still messy.  But we look to a perfect God, we stand up because he vouches for us.  

I pray that non-believers aren't turned off by the morning devotionals at the hospital.  I pray that the non-believers aren't turned off by the weekly bible studies.  I pray that the non-believers aren't turned off by a sin issue in a Christian.  I pray that hearts are opened.  I pray that everyone sees the love, hope and happiness given to us all.  I pray that people don't feel threatened or turned off by someone talking about answered prayer.  I pray that people aren't turned off by false prophets and teachers.  I pray that people aren't turned off by judgmental hypocrites.  I pray that people see through the religious cluster that we've created in order to see HIM.  I pray that people are humbled.  I pray that people are loved.  I pray that people love others despite different opinions.  My prayer is big but our God is bigger.

February is hot

Almost to the halfway point, it's hot and rainy here in Blantyre.  I don't know where the first 6 months have gone.  I feel like I just arrived here and then I feel like I've been here for years.  It depends on the day.  Overall, things are absolutely wonderful.  I still love this place and the people.  I love the children.  I love the community.  I love exploring new places and traveling in Malawi.  There are things that I miss - mostly people.  I've changed so much, it's scary.  I think about what another 6 months will do to me.  I don't think I could plug back in at home right now.  It's a scary thought but it's encouraging that I'm not completely homesick and ready to leave.  I've started thinking about august and I've got some ideas but it's too early to really throw them out there.  

I spoke to youth group on friday and it went well.  I don't know why I get so nervous when speaking to groups.  It always turns out ok and it boosts my confidence.  But the anxiety before talking is intense and I dream about it.  I'm ridiculous.  I talked about being reckless and non responsive to the gospel for 28 years of my life.  I talked about heart change, unconditional love/grace and my hope resting in Jesus.    

The village project with Lawrence is moving along.  We are going back on February 16 with a couple boxes of clothes, school supplies, sugar, salt, soap and washing powder.  The support is overwhelming and Lawrence is ecstatic on a daily basis.  I have the option of driving for the first time in Malawi - I'm not afraid but I would rather someone else drive.  

Still living in the guest house at the hospital.  I kinda had the idea of finding another house after 6 months but it's so convenient.  Currently living with a physio therapist from Australia, german gap year volunteer, british med student and two nurses from Denmark.  It's a bit crowded but it's fun getting to know people with a completely different background and story.  

I haven't been really sick since December.  Lots of folks are sick right now.  I am back on anti-malarials and being really careful outside at night.  From the friends that have gotten malaria recently, it looks and sounds awful.  

I still dont know the outcome of the super bowl and it's monday after the game.  There's a super bowl party this weekend and I'm waiting to watch it.  It's amazing how out of the loop you can be here.  No one even mentioned the super bowl all day on sunday.  Guys are busy watching the African Cup soccer right now.  If it isn't rugby or soccer, then it doesn't matter here.

I've started running again.  I don't like spending more than 7 minutes on a treadmill.  But I dont have much of an option since running outside is uncomfortable for me here.  There is an outdoor track at the gym, but there are massive ruts that you have to navigate thanks to recent rains.  

I wish I had the desire to write more.  But writing every day at the hospital sucks the motivation from me.  I have photographs.  Tons of photographs.  I think that's the way that I want to remember this year.  Through photos.  

I love you all.  Thanks for reading.  God is good. 

Phillipians 3:8

Indeed, I count everything as loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord. For his sake I have suffered the loss of all things and count them as rubbish, in order that I may gain Christ.