I want to love God selflessly. I want to love simply because I exist. I don't want my love to be based on blessings. I want to love through sickness and despair. I want to love through life's slumps. I want to love when it seems things aren't going my way. Since beginning my walk with Christ, I've experienced extreme blessings ranging in significance. I really love the small blessings. The divine meetings with believers or opportunities to be there for people that don't love Jesus. Small things that seem coincidental and fairly unimportant are the things that speak to me most. God is capable of moving mountains, which is easier for me to believe than God doing small things. It seems backwards, but it's really not. Often times, I think that God can help me out in a big way, but other small life events, I'm on my own. I love being wrong. I love seeing my imperfections. I love mistakes. I can see my faith maturing once I realize how far I've missed the mark.
But even the small things help me see that my love is not unconditional. I thank God more when I can directly see his hand in my life. I'm thankful for these blessings, but I want to love without needing blessing. I want to love when I feel truly lost. I want to love more for what HE's done. I am fortunate to come from a strong family backgound, with comfortable surroundings. I didn't always get what I wanted growing up, but I received more than enough. As an adult, I've never lacked the funds to go on trips or go out with my friends. I've never truly lacked something to the point of necessity. Sure, I could make more money and live more luxuriously, but I have been content for all of my life.
God has really broken down the idea that I always need more. He has done incredible change to my heart to help me see that I'm filthy rich. Maybe not by american standards, but worldly standards, I am lucky. I want this to drive my prayer life and my desire to help others. I need to really get behind this idea and stop self-serving. I need to be thankful for every single blessing in my 30 years of existence. I need to move forward without the expectation that I will be blessed just as much in the future. I need to feel lucky. I need to feel fortunate.
What I want is to love HIM for who he is and for what he has done. All of the things that I love are icing on the cake. Great blessings, but not needed to simply love HIM. The crazy thing that gets me is that he wants us to be happy. He loves helping us when we really seek him. He knows my selfish heart and continues to pour out his love despite the fact that he's given us a place in his Kingdom, greater than anything here in my life. I don't need to know his plan to love him. I dont need to ask why when I feel pain and suffering. I can trust him. HE is just, he is soverign, he loves us beyond our mind's comprehension. I want to be able to leave it at that.
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